This Love Will Be the End of Me
by redsandman99
Summary: A cycle that was supposed to be over rears its ugly head once again.
1. James

**This started as a piece between Cooper and Mark and their whole relationship (which I might still do later) but then James got angsty on me and this is what came out. At this point, I don't fight these things. I just go with them. **

**This was going to be just a oneshot but now it could possibly be a couple more than that. It definitely won't be more than four or five at the absolute most. **

…

I stepped into the club with Cooper at my side. My ears were nearly bleeding at the sound of the horrible techno music that was blaring from the speakers. Connor wasn't with us because I had left him with Tiffany for the night. I was out to surprise Mark because I wasn't even supposed to be in town and Cooper was out for the party and the booze so we didn't want to have to worry about Connor at all. Luckily Tiffany was a good girls and she would take good care of him. She was one of the few people that I could trust to handle him on their own. He completely adored her so the two of them were like peas in a pod or something like that.

"Dad I'm going over there!" Cooper said, pointing to a table that had Adam, Randy, Evan and JoMo at it.

"Kay," I said with a nod. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Cooper just rolled his eyes at me and took off without another word. I watched him go for a moment and then began to make my way through the club, desperately seeking out Mark. I had already called Glenn ahead of time and annoyed him until he told me where Mark was going to be hanging out tonight. So unless Mark had changed his mind or Crispy lied to me, he had to be around somewhere.

I eventually made my way to the bar, actually thinking about getting on top of it so I could get a better view of the place. Even though I was just below seven feet tall, the place was so dark and crowded that even I was having a hard time seeing anything. Before I could actually go through with that plan though, I finally spotted Mark about seven feet away. He was leaning back against the bar and making out with none other than Michelle McSkank herself. They were literally all over each other, his tongue shoved halfway down her throat while they groped each other like they were a couple of fucking teenagers or something. It was absolutely sickening but I couldn't do anything. I just stood there and tried to deny what I was seeing but I couldn't. It was right there in front of me and it wouldn't go away, no matter how much I wanted it to.

Without even thinking about what I was doing, I staggered away from them and pushed my way through the crowd so I could make my escape out into the alley behind the club. The air stunk because of the dumpster near me but I didn't even give a shit about that. The image I had just seen was now embedded in my mind and it wouldn't go away. It was burning its way into my very core and I couldn't take it. I began punching the brick wall as hard as I could, screaming like a madman. I literally felt bones in my hand break but I hardly even cared about that. I just kept punching away until I literally could not take the searing pain for another second. "Fuck!" I shouted, sinking down to my knees and cradling my hand to my chest. The pain was horrendous but it was nothing compared to the pain inside of me. My heart felt like it had just been smashed with a semi-truck and now I couldn't breathe. I couldn't fucking breathe to save my own life.

I should have fucking gone over there and ripped them apart. I should have fucking grabbed her by her fucking hair and killed her on the spot before getting in Mark's face and asking him just what the hell he had been doing. But even though part of me still wanted to do that, I made no move to get up. My legs were refusing to work for me. They kept me planted there on the dirty ground, allowing my mind to think about things that I didn't want to think about. Dear old Mark and Michelle looked way too familiar with each other right there. Tonight probably wasn't even the first time they had done something like that. Knowing Mark's past history, they had probably done it a thousand times already. Those rumors about them being a couple had to come from somewhere…

I stared down at my rapidly swelling hand, hating myself pretty much now more than I've ever have before. I felt so fucking stupid. Mark had looked me in the eye and told me that he had absolutely no interest in Michelle and I had believed him. I had fucking believed him even though I knew better. Mark out on the road meant he was out fucking around on me. It had always meant that. The cheating had really begun once the wrestling had started. That was why I hated it so much. It wasn't just because it kept him away from me. It provided him more chances to screw anyone he wanted and break every promise he had ever made to me.

Promises…why do I even believe them at this point? I wasn't an idiot. I knew the score. I had been down this road too many times to count. Mark would cheat and if I found out he would swear that it meant nothing and that he loved me and he would never do it again. And me being me, I made myself believe him even though I knew better. What the fuck does that say about me?

My hand was beginning to turn different colors and I needed to go to the hospital. I made no move to get up though. Who even cared honestly? I didn't. I actually felt like I deserved it at this point. I was a fool. A huge fucking fool. Why would Mark ever change? I had never given him reason to think there would ever be consequences to his actions. Every time he's cheated on me, I've allowed him to get away with it. Why would he think anything would be different now? As far as he's concerned, I'll forgive him right off the bat and he'll be back in my bed when he feels like being there. It'll be business as fucking usual for him.

So really, it's all my fault. It really is. I allow him to do it and don't really punish him for the shit he puts me through. There has been only one time I've ever thrown him out and told him not to come back. That wasn't because he had cheated on me though. It was because Cooper had run away and he had showed me he hadn't gave a shit at all. And I did not take that well at all. I kicked him out and told him to not come back but he didn't stay away for long. He just filed for divorce from his first wife Jodi, convincing me that our vicious cycle was finally going to end and I took him back eagerly. But it didn't end. Over a decade later and this shit was still happening. It was fucking old and I fucking hated it. It just made me sick to my stomach.

Of course the question becomes why do I stay if this is what keeps happening. If Mark won't change, then why do I bother? That's not something I get into people because I don't know how to properly justify myself to anyone. I just tell them he's "my Marky" like that explains everything. And sometimes, that's enough. Since he stopped drinking and since he "swore" off marriage, we haven't fought nearly as much as we used to. I actually had believed that Mark had changed and realized I was enough for him. He didn't need an army of skanks on the side. He had me and that was enough.

What a fool I am huh? What a fucking fool. Mark's a leopard that doesn't change his spots. I should have listened to the little voice of doubt that had lingered on, even when everything was good. After all the years of lying and cheating, how could I not have some doubts? I'm a psychotic killer but I'm not that crazy. Still, my will to hide in my usual land of denial had sheltered me from that seed of doubt, protecting me from it until it all came crashing down and all I had was it.

"Dad?"

I blinked and looked up, startled to see Cooper standing right by me. "Your hand," I said weakly, reaching out and touching his bloody knuckles.

He shook his head and knelt down beside me, wincing when he saw my broken hand. "My hand? What about yours?" He gently tried to examine it, flinching when I hissed in pain. "Why couldn't you have broken it against that idiot's face like I did?"

That was an attempt to get me to crack a grin but I couldn't do it. I was already going through the inevitable conversation the two of us were going to have inside of my hand. He would tell me that I deserved better and that I needed to end things with Mark. And honestly, at the moment, I did want to listen to him. I was tired of all of this. I was tired of being cheated on, lied to, and I was definitely tried of being the fool…I was really just tired of all of it.

Because contrary to popular belief, there is more to me than the loud, obnoxious killer persona I show the world. There is more to me than murder and chaos and tormenting Phil. There is a real man underneath it all and that real man is hurt. Really really hurt and fucking betrayed. A part of me actually wants to seek out and tell Mark that I'm done. I shouldn't have to put up with this. I want and need someone who loves me unconditionally and will stay faithful and devoted to me. If he doesn't want to give that to me then what's the point?"

"He don't deserve you," Cooper said, wrapping his arms around me and holding on for dear life. "You shouldn't have to put up with this. Leave him. I'm begging you to do it."

I didn't say anything. Despite my current state of mind, this wasn't as easy as is should be. See, here's the thing that gets me to stay despite the never ending cycle of bullshit. It's not love nor "fate" (whatever the fuck that means these days)-it's fear. Not fear of what Mark would do if I left him but fear of being alone. I needed someone to love and cling to and Mark was it. I didn't have anyone else. And because of my fear, I put up with far more shit than I would otherwise.

"Daddy please, you don't deserve this," Cooper said, trying to force eye contact with me. "You don't. I love you and I can't stand seeing you like this."

Again I stayed quiet. Why should I believe him? He knows me as daddy, so of course he's biased in the way he thinks. He doesn't realize that I might not be a creature worth the love I seek. It was engrained in my head since the day I was born that I was nothing. Just a waste of space to be despised and used and then tossed aside. Caroline broke me and the damage has never been fully undone. Nether Annabelle or Mark could ever really fully save me. They kept me sane, my light and my protector, but there is much more damage to me than they could handle. Annabelle knew about it but because couldn't save me fully because she was broken herself. As for Mark…well my Mark has never been good with emotions and shit. I try to talk to him and stuff but he don't get it. He witnessed Caroline's reign of terror and he knows what she did and how she fucked me up but he doesn't get it. He never has and he never will.

"Come on." Cooper pulled me up to my feet and held me steady. "I'm taking you to the hospital."

I didn't try to fight him even though I normally objected to going to a hospital of any kind. I just let him lead me out of the alley while wishing I had never come here in the first place. They say ignorance is bliss and I really really wished I was ignorant at the moment.

"Lawson!"

I froze and looked over to see Mark (who was now sporting a broken and bloody nose) comeing out of the club with Glenn, Bret, Natalya and Phil close behind him. Cooper's face contorted in an expression of rage and I knew that the shit was about to get even uglier.

"Lawson!" Mark said again, his efforts to get to me being severely hindered by everyone else around him. "Damn it let go!"

Bret shook his head as he tried to pull Mark back into the club. "This is not a good idea. You-"

Mark wrenched himself free from Bret's grip, only to run into Cooper's fist meeting his face. He stumbled back, his eyes narrowing before taking a swing of his own. Cooper was able to duck it though and he kneed Mark in the gut before going for his knife. Bret and Glenn quickly jumped in and held Cooper back, which only made him go even crazier.

"GET OFF ME!" Cooper screamed, pitching a fit right then and there for the world to see. "HE HURT HIM! HE FUCKING HURT HIM! I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!"

"Cooper-" Glenn was cut off by a rather hard and nasty head butt to his nose, courtesy of Cooper.

"FUCK YOU CRISPY! YOU STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS!"

"Cooper please stop!" Bret pleaded. "Please calm down…"

Mark tried to ignore Cooper's antics so he could address me and feed me what he knew I wanted to hear. "James let me explain-"

"Explain?" Cooper said incredulously. "I think your actions spoke loud enough for the entire fucking world to hear!"

"Damn right they have," Natalya said coldly. She looked ready to go after Mark herself if Cooper didn't get to it soon. "We all saw you Mark and that was DISGUSTING!"

"Nobody asked for your opinion," Mark snapped, getting testy because he was caught and cornered and had no way out. "I want to talk to James alone-"

"So you can lie to him again?" Cooper growled. "No. Fuck you. You stay away from him."

"Hey, what if he wants to talk to me?" Mark countered. "You can't stop him from doing what he wants."

"I can't," I finally said, shriveling up inside when all eyes turned to me. I couldn't do this right now. I was so sick and tired of all of this. Even stomaching the thought of talking to Mark and hearing the same shit he said every time we went through this just made me want to puke. "I can't do this."

"Then don't," Cooper said, pushing Mark away and trying to direct me towards the car. "I'm getting you to the hospital."

"Hospital?" Mark said, his face paling a bit. "What's the matter? What's wrong with him?"

"None of your business," Cooper snapped.

Mark's eyes narrowed and he grabbed Cooper by the scruff of the neck and I lost it. Without even thinking I smashed by broken fist against his face, getting him to let go of Cooper but also hurting myself even worse than I already was. I almost actually blacked out from the pain, which allowed Nattie and Cooper to all but shove me in the car and whisk me away to the hospital before Mark could try to do another thing about it.


	2. Cooper

We were at the hospital for two and a half hours and Dad never said a word the entire time. He just sat there, lost in his own little world while the doctors did what they could for his hand and Nattie and I tried to unsuccessfully engage him in conversation. I was actually starting to get really scared because I didn't know what to do. He just seemed so fucking broken and I absolutely could not stand to see him like that, especially when all my efforts to make it better were failing miserably.

"You know Uncle James, the next time you punch something, you should really think about not punching a brick wall," Nattie said after his cast had been put on and the doctor went to go get him some pain pills that would last until he got an actual prescription filled. He had broken five bones in his hand and I knew it had to be absolutely killing him, even if he refused to show it.

"Okay," Dad said, his voice so dull and flat that I almost wished he hadn't spoken at all.

Nattie looked at me, expecting me to know what to do to help him. I was at a complete loss though. A complete and fucking total loss. Nothing I had been saying had been getting through to him. It never had to begin with. If it had, he would have woken up and smelled the roses when it came to Mark ages ago. But everything I had ever said about him, no matter how right I was, went one ear and out the other. Dad's big flaw has always been that he sees only what he wants to see. No matter what shit Mark's put him through over the years, he couldn't accept the reality that was right in front of him. He knew the score but he denied it and happily buried his head in the sand so he could continued to be used mercilessly. And even as the sand started to run out he still put his head in it, only to get slapped by this. It fucking pissed me off to absolutely no end and sometimes I hated him for being so willingly blind. But tonight he was so beyond upset that I couldn't bring myself to be mad. I was just praying that he would realize that he didn't need this and do what he should have done years ago.

"Do you want me to sign it?" Nattie asked, nodding down to Dad's cast.

He shrugged apathetically. "If you want to."

She nodded and began digging through her purse. "Where is it, I know its in here…ha!" She pulled out a Sharpie and did a quick little victory dance. "Yeah baby!"

My lips twitched in amusement. "Wow Nattie. That was just…wow."

She grinned, showing absolutely no shame for herself. "Hey, I can't ever find anything in my purse. Excuse me for being happy about actually being able to do it for once." She took the lid off the marker and began writing on Dad's cast. He watched her do it, no emotion displayed on his face at all. I shifted around from foot to foot, hating the blankness he was displaying. I could see her drawing a giant heart above her name and I made a mental note to find a pink marker in the near future and color it in.

"So what do you want to do Uncle James?" she asked when she was done with the signing and the drawing. "Cooper and I are all yours. We'll do whatever you want."

"Hey now, let's not give him too many ideas," I said jokingly. I playfully nudged Dad to get him to play along with us. "We don't want to end up as his slaves or nothing."

Dad shook his head and ran his good hand through his hair. "I promised Connor ice cream you know," he said, not talking to anyone in particular. "I did. I really did."

"You always promise him ice cream," I pointed out. "And it's never a good promise to make, you know how he gets."

"Uh huh. But I promised." He began to compulsively scratch at his cast and wouldn't quit doing it even when I slapped his hands away. "And I could really use a drink right now."

"A drink?" I pursed my lips and shook my head a bit. "Dad I don't think drinking-" I stopped because I saw the irritated glare he was giving me. "Fine. You want to drink? We'll drink."

"Ooh and we can get sundaes while we're at it," Nattie said happily, putting herself on full cheerful mode.

I wrinkled my nose. "Alcohol and sundaes? That sounds like a nasty combination to me."

"I don't know…" Dad said softly. "Making myself sick actually sound great at the moment."

Nattie and I both winced and exchanged looks. This was definitely going to be a long night.

…

One hour later we had our ice cream and several cases of beer and we picked up Connor and Tiffany so we could all just sort of hang around a nearby park. Connor and Tiffany both got a sugar rush from the ice cream and started running all around like bats out of hell and Nattie and I both sat a picnic table, watching Dad who was over by himself, just trying to drink himself into oblivion.

"You need to go talk to him," Nattie told me.

"I know," I said with a sigh.

"So why aren't you over there?" she asked impatiently. "He needs you, you need to go!"

"Nattie this is harder than you think it is," I snapped, running one of my hands through my hair. "I've tried to talk to him a million times about Mark and he never listens to me. He fucking never listens so I can't fix it-"

"Cooper I'm not telling you to fix it. There's no fixing it so you just can't think like that. You just need to be there for him. You're his son. There's more you can do than I can do." She all but shoved me in his direction so I got up and walked over there, taking a deep breath as I sat down beside him.

"Mind if I snag one?" I asked, pointing to his beers.

He shrugged and handed one over to me. "Help yourself." He chugged the rest of his before crushing the can and tossing it aside. "This shit isn't helping at all. It's not strong enough."

"Well damn that then," I said. I moved some of the already empty beer cans out of the way. I opened my mouth to speak but then he cut me off before I could get a word out.

"If you're going to say you told me so, please don't. I really can't take that right now."

I blinked, taken aback by those words. "I wasn't going to say that," I denied. "I'm not that much of an insensitive jerk."

"I know…" Dad pulled some blades of grass up and sighed. "Did you have any idea? Of him and her?"

"I suspected," I replied honestly. "You know I always suspected it. I just could never prove it before now."

He chuckled bitterly. "I should have known you were right. I really should have. I just…I wanted to be wrong you know? It was supposed to be different. He promised me it would be different."

I bit my tongue so I could hold back all my nasty comments to that. Promises. Mark's promises always were complete shit. People want to know why I hate so much? It's not really because he abandoned me and didn't care whether I lived or died while Mom was pregnant with me (although that's never helped his case with me). It's because of his fucking bullshit promises. Imagine your father having a mental breakdown after watching your mother waste away and die and then all he hears from his "loving" boyfriend that he's going to quit wrestling and divorce his wife so they could be together and he'll help raise the kids and everything will be different, yadda yadda yadda. Imagine these promises for six straight months and then imagine the day where he reveals that it was all a lie. He goes back on the road, continues the career he knows your father hates, stays with a wife that's just using him for the money and fucks around with countless whores behind both of their backs. And then this goes on for years and years and years and your father just takes it. It's emotionally killing him because he adores the man for whatever reason but he takes it anyway. People want to say I'm bitter? Fuck them. They don't know shit. Dad is one of the only people I have on this fucking planet and I despise anyone who hurts him-Calaway especially because he knows what he's doing to him and he does it anyway. Fucking bastard.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" Dad asked, interrupting my train of thought. "I don't know what to do. I just…I don't know."

"Leave him," I said immediately. I always said this but it was worth repeating. "Tell him to fuck off. You don't need this shit."

"You make it sound so simple."

"It IS simple," I said, raising my voice a little bit because I was so upset. "You DON'T deserve to keep going through this. You fucking deserve someone who will love you and not fucking cheat on you every time he goes out on the road!"

"He loves me…"

"When? When he's home? When he wants something out of you? He likes HAVING you Dad because you're the only one who will put up with his bullshit. He FEEDS off this cycle Daddy. Why do you think its never stopped? If he loved you at all he wouldn't do this to you."

"I used to make him feel so bad though. When your mom was alive-"

"Stop. Don't you DARE justify tonight with that stuff. He knew why you needed Mom and not just him. He always knew the score. And besides from that, Mom's been dead for almost twenty years! He's had you all to himself all that time and he's STILL doing this. Doesn't that say anything to you? Doesn't it say anything at all?"

He didn't say anything for a bit. He just stared down at the ground, his shoulders slumped in defeat. "I hate him sometimes," he finally confessed. "I hate him for doing this to me. He makes me so weak…I wish I could hate him more."

"So do it."

"I can't. He's Mark. And I love him but I hate him. And it's all fucked up." Dad rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I wish I didn't need him. It would make this all much more simple."

I shook my head. "You don't need him. You don't. He makes you feel like you do but you don't."

"I don't have anyone else though."

"What are you talking about? You have me and Connor and Nattie and-"

"It's not the same."

"Okay so we're not romantically involved with you but you don't need him! We can find you someone else-"

"Who?" Dad asked, glaring daggers at me and making me flinch violently. "WHO the fuck would want to be with me? Huh? Who the fuck wants to put up with my bullshit? I'm a serial killer with two murderous kids and a lifetime of baggage. Who the fuck is going to be lining up to put up with that?"

I winced and shook my head. "Dad-"

He suddenly got up to his feet and shook his head. "I have to kill something. Now."

"O-" He didn't even let me finish. He just got up and stormed off, making me deflate and punch the ground. Connor innocently chose that moment to walk over to me and poke the back of my head.

"Why is Daddy so sad?"

"Guess," I said nastily.

Connor had to think about it for a little bit. "Marky was bad again?" he finally guessed.

I nodded wordlessly.

"What are we going to do?"

"Well…I don't know about you…but Calaway is really going to be a dead man if I get my hands on him."


	3. Glenn

For my partner in crime Vermi, because I know she'll appreciate this one ;)

...

After Cooper and Natalya took off with James, I grabbed my idiot brother and dragged him back to his hotel room, too disgusted with him to even say a word to him. He mumbled a whole bunch of shit under his breath but I hadn't understood a word of it. I just really hated dealing with him when he was drunk. He was not only a bigger idiot when he was like that, but he was more annoying too. I put up with a lot of shit from him when he was sober and the alcohol only made it worse.

When we got to the hotel room, I let him drink until he passed out because he wasn't too far from that anyway and then I went to bed with Phil. He had been pretty quiet through this whole thing and it wasn't until I was about to fall asleep that he finally spoke up.

"Why did he do it?"

I blinked, kind of taken aback by that question. "Why did who do what?"

"Mark. Why did he do that shit with Michelle? I thought things were good with him and James."

I sighed and shook my head, reminding myself that Phil was relatively new to the whole James/Mark saga. "Mark is an idiot," I stated. That pretty much summed everything up in a nutshell. "You may not be aware of this, but on occasion, my dear older brother tends to be even more stupid than Connor is."

Phil frowned and snuggled up closer to me, his eyes showing just how much his brain was working to sort all this shit out. You see, he sees my brother and James's relationship as most of the world sees it. They see it as a dysfunctional relationship that has been going on since the Stone Age and Mark's the grouchy pants stick in the mud and James is the out of the box, obnoxious and charming in his own serial killer way. They balance each other out. The ying and yang and all that other kind of bullshit. There are very very few of us that understand the truth of the situation. When it is good, it's very very good. It's everything most people think it is. But when it's bad, it's this destructive force that is very very toxic. "Maybe it was just the alcohol. I mean, that shit-"

"No," I said firmly. "No way. Mark's fucked her sober so that's not it. All the alcohol did was make him stupid enough to not hide his tracks properly.

Phil gave me an odd look. "How do you know that he's fucked her sober?"

I smirked. "I'm his brother. I know shit people only dream about knowing."

"But when-"

"Back in 2007 was the first time it happened. Mark used her to get back at Sara for some stupid fight or something like that." Mark had always been vague at best when it came to the exact reasoning for the first time he and Michelle hooked up. All the other times it had been clear that he wanted one thing and one thing only. "Sara found out and finally divorced him. They had been separated for awhile because he got bored with her and "committed" himself to James and-"

"Wait wait wait," Phil said, cutting me off with a shake of his head. "He left her for James-"

"Actually he saw James throughout their whole marriage."

"What? Why didn't she leave him before then?"

I shrugged. "Mark always hooks up with the stubborn ones who put up with his shit."

"But that's retarded! She should have left him or he should have had at least had the decency to divorce him before he ran around with-wait, why are you laughing?" He looked at me like I had just smacked a child. "That is completely inappropriate!"

I just continued to laugh and shake my head at my poor naïve lover. "Philly, let me tell you something about my brother. He thrives on hurting and pushing away the people that love him. He won't ever admit it but I know he does. It gives him power." It was my personal belief that that was his reasoning behind his actions. I didn't know how else to explain them. I really don't. It's not like he's ever really loved any of his wives or his mistresses. Hell, he rarely LIKED any of them. The only person he's ever really given a damn about is James. I know he loves him…at least I think I know that. At this point, I really don't fucking know anymore.

It's pathetic really. It's all really pathetic. Mark's too old to be playing this game. If he loves James then he just needs to be with him and stop with the cheating bullshit. And if he doesn't love James, then he just needs to leave him and put him out of his misery. Normally I'm all for James suffering and getting hurt because I hate him with every fiber of my being but even I find this getting extremely old. James fucking loves my idiot brother and its pathetic. He's pathetic for taking this shit. If Phil ever put me through even just a little bit of what Mark's done to James over the years, I would fucking send him to hell and not look back.

Then again, I guess that's easy for me to say. I'm not Lawson. Lawson is pretty emotionally dependent on Mark. He always has been. Even when he had Annabelle he was like that, but once she died it got worse. And I know Mark hated sharing him with her but even I realized that James needed her. If he had only had Mark and not her, there's no telling how he would have turned out. Mark hated it but she did things for James that he could never do. And he hated for her and I know he always kind of resented James for it. Jealousy is an ugly thing and my brother has always had it in spades.

"Fuck…" Phil shook his head and then rested it on my chest. "If I didn't hate him so much I would feel kind of bad. He looked like Mark just killed back there."

I nodded along. Pure contempt from the bottom of my heart made me feel no real sympathy for James. That was the last thing he would ever get out of me. I didn't even feel that bad for him when Annabelle died and if there was ever a time that I could have felt bad for him, that would have been it. People forget that he not only turned me into the "Crispy Critter" but he killed my mother and then pretty much fucking flaunted that shit in my face ever since. And now he fucking torments my boyfriend and nobody does a damn thing about it. Everyone fucking loves him and expects me to suck it up and take it. Well fuck them and fuck him especially.

"Mark could have at least done better," Phil said, talking more to himself than to me. "I mean Michelle…really? Really? Out of all the girls around us he picked her?"

I chuckled. I had always hated Michelle. I hated anyone who slept their way to the top and bypassed the dozens of people who worked their asses off and were more deserving of the spot she got. The thought of anyone touching her made me want to claw my own eyes out and vomit at the same time and having my own brother do it just really disgusted me. "She fits the usual profile of his type of woman," I said carelessly. "She's breathing, she's blonde, she's bony, she's willing to fuck him…I mean really, what more does he need?" I shook my head and tilted his head up so I could kiss him. I was tired of talking about this bullshit. It was retarded and I was just done with it. This soap opera had been going on for too long. Way way too fucking long and if it didn't end (or at least get the fuck away from me) I was going to end both Mark and James.

Permanently.

…

The next morning after I showered and ate with Phil I went into Mark's room and found him awake and nursing his hangover. "How you feeling big brother?" I asked, smirking at the murderous glare he sent me.

"Go…away," he ordered.

I snorted. Yeah, like that was going to send me packing. "You remember what you did last night? Or am I going to have to remind you?"

He grunted and I knew that he remembered. I leaned back against the wall and waited for him to say something. When he didn't, I shook my head in disgust. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"

"Shut up," he ordered He got up and started to head over to the little mini-bar that was in the room.

"Oh yes, drink some more," I said sarcastically. "Because that will solve your problems."

He whirled around and gave me a nasty look. "Would you just shut up? I need to think-"

"Think? Mark if you ever thought about anything, you wouldn't do the stupid shit you do."

He didn't appreciate that comment and for a moment, it seemed like he would come after me for that statement. He chickened out though at the last second and settled for whining like a child instead. "Why are you attacking me? I've got enough problems as it is without you being up my ass."

"Well who's fault is that?" I asked. I wasn't going to cut him any slack just because he had chosen to act like an idiot. He was the one who had gotten caught cheating yet again and I had no sympathy for him. I told him over and over again to knock that shit off but did he listen to me? No. I was the idiot who had no idea what I was talking about. Well fuck him. Fucking prick…I don't ever know why I bother with him sometimes. I'm his own flesh and blood and he's ALWAYS picked James over me. He fucking allowed that killer to murder our parents and burn me and never once did he really really care. If he cared, he would have cut off James's head and put it on a platter but he didn't. He fucking "loves" James…yeah right. My ass he loves him. Mark wouldn't know what love was if it smacked him in the face with a shovel. You don't constantly cheat on the people you love. Not in my world anyway. I live in the land of the sane and the faithful, thank you very much.

Mark grunted again and poured himself a drink. "If you're going to nag just leave me alone. I've got work to do."

"Oh what, you're going to cook up a lie for dear old James to believe?" I asked with a shake of my head. "You going to win him back again?"

"I just have to explain-"

"Explain? Oh fuck, just stop with that Mark. You are fucking pathetic."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! All you do is fucking push Lawson away when you claim to love him and it's fucking annoying! I've been watching this drama unfold for fucking years and its fucking disgusting and annoying and I'm sick of it! If you fucking love him so much, man up and be with him! You're fucking old Mark. This game isn't amusing anymore."

"Why do you even care? You hate James-"

"I know I do but I don't care. I always have to watch this drama unfold-"

"So look somewhere else."

I narrowed my eyes and got right in his face. I was just tired with it. I had no sympathy for him or Lawson. I really didn't James didn't deserve any from me and Mark brought all of his problems on himself. Its his own fault he's an idiot. "Or maybe you should just end this one way or another. Because if you don't, I'll help you out and believe me, you won't like it." With that vague threat, I pushed him away and stormed out, slamming the door shut behind me so hard that it just about broke it.


	4. Mark and James Part 1

Mark

I just stared at the door Glenn had stormed out of, just clenching and unclenching my fists over and over again. Who the hell did he think he was coming in here and yelling that shit at me? It wasn't his fucking business. I know I fucked up but that's my problem, not his. He was my brother, not my father. He didn't have to fucking lecture me like I'm an idiot child. Clenching and unclenching my fists one last time, I kicked the wall out of pure frustration. I knew I had a fucking lot of work to do. I knew that if Cooper had gotten his way James was probably all the way back in Vegas by now and being fed just about every anti-me remark that could pop into Cooper's mind. Cooper wanted James to leave me. He had been calling for it for years and I had just given him yet another reason to do so.

I threw my clothes into my suitcase as fast as I could, stopping to check my phone each time it vibrated because I thought it could possibly be James. It wasn't though. It was Michelle, which made me growl every time her number came up on my screen. Why was she calling me? She knew better than to do that. I never wanted to talk to her more than what was absolutely necessary. I had no interest in her as a person; absolutely none. She was just a warm body that I used when I was lonely and had nobody else available. That was all.

Once my stuff was all packed I booked it out of the hotel as fast as I could, not even taking the time to officially check out of the place. I would deal with the people from the hotel later. Right now I really needed to talk to James. It wasn't a conversation I necessarily wanted to have because I knew it was going to get ugly. It always got ugly when we got into it, especially when it came to this particular subject. He was going to demand to know why I had done it and I had no idea what I was going to say to him. The truth was that I had been bored and horny and she had been there and it was just going to be another quick fuck. That was all. It hadn't been meant to mean anything.

The thing was though, it meant something to him. It always meant something to him and I knew that. It was hard not to after going through the argument more times than I cared to remember. He was always so hurt by it and my intentions really didn't matter no matter which way I cut it.

That was a sign I shouldn't fucking do it anymore. Ever. I loved James. I fucking did. He was pretty much the only person on the damn planet that I really fucking cared about. I had never loved my wives, I didn't have a real relationship with any of my children; the only one I talked to on a regular basis was Cooper and he hated my guts. I loved Glenn of course but James was James. I fucking needed him even if I didn't act like it. Maybe some thought I was full of shit but I didn't give a damn. James was mine. When all the bullshit was said and done, he was mine. I didn't care what anyone said; he was mine and we were going to get through this, just like we always had before. It was just a matter of getting there to talk to him.

My phone rang yet again and I recklessly checked to see who it was, nearly getting in a wreck in the process. I was praying that it was James but no, it was Michelle. It was always fucking Michelle. Growling in frustration, I tossed the phone against the window, probably breaking it in the process. I didn't give a shit though. The phone could be replaced. I had to fucking get to James. Damage control was priority number one as of now.

I weaved in and out of traffic, broke every speed limit law known to man and didn't stop for a second so I got to James's house in record time. The cars were all in the driveway like usual so they had to be home now. I parked my car by the curb and went to the front door, fumbling with my house key while I did so. "Lawson!" I yelled as I tested the door to see if it was even locked. It was and I immediately went to put my key in the lock. "Law-what the fuck?" My key didn't fit. At first I thought I had fucked up putting it in somehow so I tried again. The result was the same though. My key no longer fit in the lock. "What the in hell?" I yelled in frustration. "LAWSON!"

No answer. I kicked the door a couple of times but it didn't budge. Either the thing was sturdier than I thought it was or Cooper had barricaded the door (which was a likely possibility). Hell, he probably was the one who changed the locks. He had done it once before to keep me out. The kid was always so determined to keep me out but I was going to be damned if I gave into him. I had to talk to Lawson and if getting in and doing so annoyed Cooper then that was just a bonus.

I walked around the house in order to try the back door. No dice there. It was locked and my key wouldn't fit. I clenched my fist tightly, very very frustrated at the moment. This was bullshit. I wasn't staying out. Cooper could kiss my ass if he thought I was. I grabbed a chair that was sitting out on the back porch and swung it as hard as I could, hitting the window and making the glass shatter all over the place. I heard Snoopy go nuts and I saw Spike bolting for his life as I climbed in through the window, crashing into the wall and nearly knocking himself out in the process. That thing was a complete idiot. I didn't know they could make an animal that dumb.

"YOU SHALL DIE YOU INFIDEL!" Connor screamed as he and Snoopy came barreling into the room. "HOW DARE YOU-uh oh." He winced when he realized it was me. "Coopy is going to be so mad you," he informed me. "He's really really mad at you already and when he sees what you did to that window he's going to get madder."

"I don't care," I replied, shooing Snoopy away from the broken glass so he didn't get it in his paws. The last thing I needed was to have Connor screeching at me about my mess hurting that damn dog.

"Coopy says you did a bad thing again," Connor said, glancing back in the direction of the staircase because we could both hear him coming. It was only a matter of seconds before the rumble started now. "You hurt Daddy." He gave me the evil eye as he scooped Snoopy up into his arms. "If Coopy don't get you I'll kill you with my brain."

I didn't even get a chance to fully absorb that lovely threat. Cooper and Natalya had both arrived on the scene and their eyes narrowed dangerously at the sight of me. "Get out," Cooper hissed while Nattie folded her arms over her chest and glared at me.

"Where's Lawson?" I asked, completely ignoring what he said. I knew he wouldn't answer me but I asked anyway.

"Get out," he repeated. He wasn't fucking around. "Get the fuck out of here right now!"

"Where's Lawson?" I repeated, taking a step closer to him. "I want to talk to Lawson."

"Well he don't want to talk to you," he snapped.

"Oh yeah? Says who?" I didn't believe Cooper for a second. I knew full well he hadn't even asked James if he had wanted to talk to me or not. He was just so fucking determined to finally get me out of his and James's and Connor's life that he was willing to say just about anything to get me to go away. And deep down, I knew I had brought a lot of that on myself. Yes he was a whiny, bitter little brat but I helped to enable that with a lot of my own choices. Right now though, I really couldn't give a flying fuck about that bullshit though. I needed to talk to James and that was going to happen one way or another. I would go right through Cooper if I had to. It wouldn't be easy but he wasn't James. He wasn't the immovable object he was when it came physical confrontations. He could be gotten around if I played my cards right.

"Mark, I swear, you better just fucking get out," Natalya said, jumping in on the bandwagon now.

"This ain't your business," I told her, still not taking my eyes off Cooper for an instant. "This is between me and Lawson-"

Cooper burst out laughing, shaking his head in total disbelief. "Just you and Dad? Are you fucking kidding me?" He closed the distance between us, getting so close to me that he violated just about every kind of personal boundary issue I had. "You want to know who's there for him every time you fucking cheat on him? You want to know who's the one who'd doing their best to keep him from falling apart completely? You want to know who's the one reassuring him that it's not his fucking fault that you can't control your dick? ME! It's always fucking been me! He fucking adores you for some unknown reason yet you can't even bother to try to remain faithful to him?"

"You have no-"

"Don't you dare feed me that line. Don't you even try it. It IS possible to remain faithful to your significant other while being a wrestler. I know PLENTY of people who do it! YOU-" he stopped and angrily poked my chest "just use that line as a cop out. You know Dad would fucking follow you all over the damn world if you asked-"

"How the fuck is he supposed to?" I asked, raising my voice because that was the only way I could actually interrupt him. "Huh? He can't just fucking leave you to take care of Connor by yourself. You can't even take care of yourself, how the fuck would you ever take care of him for more than a fucking day?"

"Don't you fucking turn this around on to me when you know I'm fucking right about you," he growled, the hatred absolutely just oozing out of him. "You know what the fuck you are but you don't care. Dad lets you get away with treating him like shit so why the fuck would you EVER care?"

"You know what? I know I've messed up-"

"Messed up? Cheating ONCE constitutes messing up! You've cheated DOZENS AND DOZENS OF FUCKING TIMES! You've gotten MARRIED not once but TWICE! MARRIED! To someone who wasn't Dad, who's supposedly the only person you love. Are you fucking kidding me? Messed up don't fucking begin to cover it." He glared at me hatefully when I kept my silence. "Mom wouldn't have ever done that shit to him."

My spine stiffened significantly at that one. "Don't you fucking bring her into this," I growled.

"Why not?" Cooper asked with a smirk. "Is it because you know he loved her better than he did you?"

I growled and went to grab him because I couldn't fucking hear that shit. He managed to dodge my grip and I immediately expected to him to take a swing at me. He didn't though. No, he just spat directly in my face, catching me right below my left eye. I froze, just in complete shock that had been the route he had gone down-which of course meant he took that moment to clock me right in the jaw as hard as he could.

"Cooper…"

I stumbled back and put my hand up to my face before glancing up and seeing that James had stepped into the room and was staring at us with the most unreadable expression on his face. "James," I said, wiping away Cooper's spit with the back of my hand and resisting the urge to clock the bastard in the face. He had no idea how lucky he was that James would skin me alive for touching him. He really didn't. "James listen to me-"

The way James's eyes narrowed made me freeze. That wasn't a good sign. "Cooper…Connor…Nattie…go. Now."

Cooper shook his head. "Dad-"

"Go."

Nattie immediately grabbed Cooper by the arm and she and Connor managed to drag him out of the room even though he was doing his best not to go, effectively leaving me to face the music on my own.

…

James

I didn't take my eyes off of Mark as the others left, even though I really wanted to do so. I couldn't barely even look at him anymore. I was just so fucking…hell I didn't even know what I was anymore. There was too much shit going on inside of me and I had pretty much just turned numb in order to protect myself. I think I would probably explode if I could properly feel all the feelings inside of me. Mark was rubbing his jaw gingerly and I couldn't help but be glad that Cooper hit him. I had never been glad of that before but I was now. Hell I hoped his jaw was fucking broken. That was how fucking pissed I was.

"James…" Mark was hesitating because he didn't know what to make of the look on my face.

I folded my arms over my chest and sighed. "Go ahead." I rolled my eyes when he just stared at me blankly. "Feed me your usual lines." I didn't really want to hear them but I figured that this argument wouldn't be complete without them.

He blinked but then shrugged off whatever was holding him back and started in. "James I'm sorry," he said, catching me a tad bit off guard because that wasn't usually how he started out. "I'm so fucking sorry. I know you probably don't believe me-"

"You're right, I don't." That didn't sound nearly as angry as it should have. I was so numb my voice was completely flat. It didn't even sound like mine anymore. It sounded like it belonged to someone else.

Mark took his hand away from his jaw and grabbed my arms so he could pull me over to him. "James please-"

"Let go of me."

"James-"

"Let GO of me!" Now I was able to put some emotion into it. I yanked myself out of his grip and pushed him away. "What the fuck is sorry going to do for me? It don't change the fact that you did it."

"I know," he said quickly. "I know Lawson, I fucking know that. I'm an idiot okay? I'm a fucking moron, I'm a jackass, I'm-"

"Calling yourself names isn't winning you points," I informed him. My voice was back to being flat now, which was even freaking me out but I could tell he didn't like it so I wasn't going to complain.

He sighed loudly and ran his hand through his thinning hair. "Well what else do you want me to say?" he asked. "What do you want me to do?"

I shrugged and leaned back against the wall. That answer wasn't to piss him off. I honestly didn't know what the fuck he could do that would make me feel better. I didn't even know if there was a better at this point.

"Damn it Lawson, talk to me!" Mark said sharply, not liking the whole silence thing because he didn't know how to handle it.

"Why?" I asked apathetically. "It won't make a bit of difference. You won't change."

"Yes-"

"No! You won't! Don't lie to me I'm so fucking sick of it!" I moved away from the wall and moved over to the cupboards. "I've BEGGED and PLEADED with you to stop but you WON'T! You just do whatever it is you want and then just expect me to get over it!"

"Like you've never done the same thing," Mark muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" I asked angrily.

He shook his head, not bothering to repeat himself because he knew that I had heard him just fine the first time. "Lawson I know I fucking hurt you. I've fucking been hurting you for years with this bullshit. And I know it has to stop."

"Well that's wonderful," I said sarcastically, angrily clapping my hands together and sneering at him. "That's fucking wonderful. Let's give Marky a round of applause for knowing what an inconsiderate bastard he is."

"James-"

"You know what's better than knowing you're an idiot? Fucking doing something about it."

He let out a long breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was collecting his thoughts together and I just looked away, not even sure about what the fuck I was going to do or say next. What the hell else could be said? What the hell else could be done? This cycle had been repeating itself for far too long and I honestly felt like putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger would be a lot better than dealing with this shit anymore.

"Do you like…wanna cheat on me back?"

I stared at Mark incredulously. "What?" I said in disbelief.

"Do you wanna cheat on me back?" Yeah, he said it again. I couldn't fucking believe it. "So we can be like even-"

"I don't wanna get even you idiot!" I yelled, so angry with him now that I wanted to hit him. The only thing that was really stopping me was my firm position against domestic violence. I would just be my parents if I started that shit and I would really rather die than turn into either of them.

"I just thought-"

"Don't think! It's not working for you." How could he honestly look me in the eye and talk about getting even like it was some kind of business proposition? There was no even to be had here. Not when he wanted it. He just wanted an easy way out so we could go back to normal and I couldn't do that. Not that way anyway.

He threw his hands up in exasperation. "Well what the fuck do you want me to do Lawson?"

"I want you to love me!" Damn it, I hadn't meant to yell that one out loud. My mouth just fucking betrayed me big time.

"I DO love you!" Mark shouted in frustration. "I've ALWAYS fucking loved you!"

"Yeah right," I muttered.

"It's fucking true!" he growled. "You think I would keep coming back if I didn't love you? You're not the easiest person to live with Lawson but I fucking love you anyway. It's always been you, even when I was second best!"

"You were never second best!" I yelled, absolutely furious that we were having this conversation yet again. This was absolutely appalling and it fucking hurt because I thought we were past this.

"It didn't feel like it-"

"Fuck you! Just fuck you!" I tried to storm out but he reeled me back in, pinning me up against the counter so I couldn't go anywhere.

"I'm sorry," he quickly apologized. "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot okay?"

I tried to wiggle my way free from him but he kissed me, making me torn between kissing him back and pushing him away and screaming at him. So I just settled on doing nothing and waiting for him to realize I wasn't going to do anything and just give up. It felt like it took forever but he finally stopped. He still wouldn't let me move away from the counter though. He kept me nice and trapped there just like he wanted me.

"I love you," he insisted, moving his lips down to my neck and completely missing the look on my face. I hated it when he said that during these arguments because it fucking made me weak. It made me want to tell him I loved him back and just fucking forget all the bullshit. He always came back to me…that had to mean something didn't it?

"I…have to take a shower." I pushed him away and bolted, feeling like a total fucking asshole because I had failed on an epic scale. I was too disgusted with him to just forgive him but I didn't have enough self respect or will to just kick him to the curb. So I was stuck, caught between two decisions that seemed to suck no matter which way I cut it.

Fuck my life. Just fuck it. I'm sick of all this bullshit and I'm just fucking done.


	5. Mark and James Part 2

**So this was only supposed to be four or five chapters but I've discovered that this is going to be much harder to wrap up than I thought. So yeah…complicated shit is not short shit. Just thought I would share that little tidbit of information.**

…

Mark

"_Marky! Marky! Look at me! Look at me!"_

_I rolled my eyes and finally looked up from my wrestling magazine. James was hanging upside down on a tree branch, grinning at me like the maniac he was. "What are you doing?" I asked, not sure whether I really should have been asking that or not. This was James after all so usually his reasons for doing stuff were weird and only made sense to him._

"_I'm a vampire bat!" Yep, it was one of THOSE explanations again._

"_A vampire bat?"_

"_Yep!" James grinned, just so damn happy with himself. _

"_Why would you be a vampire bat?" I had no idea why I was asking that because I knew the answer wasn't going to be logical at all. Maybe I was just in the mood to humor him and didn't even really realize it._

"_Because…"_

"_Because why?"_

_He shrugged. "I don't know. Geez Marky, what's with the French Inquisition?"_

"_Spanish Inquisition. There was no French Inquisition."_

"_How do YOU know?"_

"_I'm not a moron, that's how."_

_He snorted loudly at my retort and began swinging back and forth. I rolled my eyes and went back to looking at my magazine. Apparently that didn't set well with him because the next thing I knew, he was flipping himself off the branch and tapping my shoulder impatiently. _

"_Marky…"_

"_Lawson…"_

"_Come be a vampire bat with me."_

_I once again looked up from my magazine and shook my head. "I don't want to be a vampire bat," I informed him._

"_Why not?"_

"_Because I don't." It was frustrating to not have my answers just be accepted the first time they were given. I loved James and everything but it got annoying to have to tell him these things over and over again because he couldn't take no as an answer._

"_Well you suck." He plopped down on the ground next to me and took my magazine away so he could toss it away. "Quit looking at that stupid thing and pay attention to me."_

"_And what if I don't wanna?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and smirking at the pouty look that came across his face. "What if I wanna keep looking at my magazine?" I tried to reach for it but he quickly pushed me over and then climbed on top of me in order to keep me from getting back up. He wasn't going to win that easily though. I bucked my hips up and we began to roll around all over the grass, not stopping until I finally managed to straddle his waist and start kissing and nipping at his neck._

"_Mark…" James said, half heartedly trying to push me away while also tilting his head back so I could have even more access to his neck. "Mom is going to freak if she sees any marks."_

"_I'm not gonna leave any marks," I assured him, even though I had already left a couple of small hickies on his pale skin. _

"_Liar." He let me continue kissing his neck for a moment before pushing me away and sitting back up._

"_What the hell?" I said, not pleased to be stopped that way. "What's your deal Lawson?"_

"_You love me, right?" Oh great. He had that serious and troubled expression on his face, which was never a good sign._

"_Yes," I answered, running one of my hands through my hair as I sighed. "I love you. Why are we discussing this?" All I got was a shrug. "What has Caroline been telling you?" Nothing. Just a slight flinch as I said the evil bitch's name. "Whatever she said was a lie. You know that. All she does is fill your head with fucked up shit."_

"_I know," he said, although he didn't even sound like he believed it. He was going along with what I was saying because he wanted to believe it, not because he actually did. "She knows you're wanting to go into that wrestling bullshit and she just won't shut up. She keeps saying you're going to find someone else and leave me for them."_

"_Of course she fucking said that. Bitch likes to mess with you. You can't listen to a word she says, okay?"_

"_Okay…_

I shook my head and downed another shot of whiskey. Drinking wasn't going to make the problems go away but that wasn't going to stop me from doing it. It wasn't like I knew what the hell TO do. I couldn't take back everything I had ever done and I couldn't just fix this latest fuckup and just call it a day. No, it was much much more complicated than that.

_It's always been you, even when I was second best!_ My own words were echoing in my own head and they wouldn't go away. It wasn't something I should have said if I was looking for James's forgiveness but I hadn't been able to help myself. For twenty one years I shared him with Annabelle. Twenty one fucking years. That had been way too fucking long. While we had been little kids though, James and Annabelle's thing had been innocent. Yes it had annoyed me that she had always been around but in retrospect, I could understand why they were always so clingy to each other. Their home life was a living hell. All they had behind those closed doors was each other. Even I, who had seen Joseph and Caroline do some truly fucked up things, never really got to see just how truly bad it all was. James and Annabelle HAD to band together just to survive and that created a bond that I hadn't been able to touch, which drove me insane. But still, it was understandable and innocent…at least to a certain point.

Once we all hit the age of twelve though, the shit stopped being innocent all together. The fucking incest started then and things were forever altered because of it. Now when it began, I honestly didn't think it was going to turn into what it turned into. I knew all about Joseph's raping ways and we all knew he would have tried something with Annabelle much sooner than he did if James hadn't taken the prize from him. If it had only been a one time thing I could have lived with it much easier. Yeah the thought of James banging his own sister would have still grossed me out but whatever. James was nuts; he didn't always have the capability to come up with sane and more logical ways of solving things.

But no, it hadn't just been a one time thing. He couldn't just leave it at that. He had to "love" the both of us and keep up the dual relationship, pursuing a happy ending that just wasn't meant to be. I didn't want to share what I felt (and still felt) was mine and even though she knew her relationship with him was wrong, Annabelle didn't want to give James up. She hid behind him because she wasn't strong at all and he relied on her just as heavily because she was the nurturer. Caroline never gave a damn about him but Annabelle did. So he clung to her and how the incestuous feelings developed along the way was something I never tried to find out. It had driven me crazy just knowing they existed. Knowing the full details would have just been salt in the wounds.

Of course all that would lead to the question of why I just didn't leave James if he was going to go around and be with his sister as well as me. And the answer was simple: James was mine and I wasn't the type to admit defeat easily. The moment we had met on the first day of kindergarten started a fucked up friendship that had turned into a fucked up relationship. There was just no way for us to be fully normal. I was the Undertaker and he was a damaged serial killer with more baggage than most people could even dream of. We weren't really destined for true normality.

I downed yet another shot of whiskey as my thoughts drifted toward Jodi. I had married her to get back at James. I had wanted to hurt him and make him play second fiddle for once. And it had worked in a way, but it didn't have the full impact it was meant to while Annabelle was still alive. She was always by his side, standing by him and playing Holly Homemaker with him, Cooper and Connor. But then she had gotten sick and died and I had stepped in and kept James from spiraling completely down into the black hole of despair he fell into once she was gone. Now one would have thought that I would have really taken advantage of that situation since I had James all to myself. One would have thought that I would have left Jodi and made sure James and I lived happily ever after. That wasn't what happened though. I promised that I would leave Jodi but I didn't. I knew I wouldn't do it as I made those promises. I had deliberately lied to my lover. And for what end? To punish him. To get back at him for all those Annabelle filled years. It was an asshole move for sure but few cared and the ones who did couldn't ever talk James into leaving me. They just had to watch as our relationship hit a seven year rocky patch fueled by pain, anger, alcoholism and all kinds of other shit most normal people wouldn't even begin to take.

It wasn't until Cooper's tranny died and he ran off that things started to change. I said the wrong thing to James and he kicked me out. He was done with my shit, as he so eloquently put it. Getting Cooper back was all that mattered to him. And get him back he did-and I came back into the picture not long after. I couldn't just stay away. Not when James was mine. I filed for divorce from Jodi and we were reunited, but there was still no happily ever after for us. James you see, is rather clingy. Most people don't know that and wouldn't believe it if I told them but it's the truth. He wanted me to quit wrestling even though things were going great for me and settle down with him and was always calling and trying to sneak into shows when he wasn't allowed to be anywhere near the premises and getting me in trouble…so I got annoyed and married Sara to once again punish him. That sparked many nasty arguments although it didn't get nearly as bad as it did with Jodi because I wasn't really drinking like I used to. Then of course I left Sara and for the most part it has just been me and James. We managed to settle in to a quasi-normality with him being his loud, obnoxious self and me being the "cranky pants Marky". The truth of the matter is though, we've never resolved a damn thing between us. Not really. And now all the shit was coming back and biting us in the ass. We HAD to do something but I sure as fuck didn't know what and I knew James didn't know either. We were stuck in a mountain of bullshit and there just didn't seem to be a way out of it.

_Ah fuck it…maybe the answer will be at the bottom of the glass this time._

…

James

I tossed and turned on my bed, not able to get comfortable let alone fall asleep. The conversation I had had with Mark earlier just kept repeating itself over and over again in my head and wouldn't leave me alone. "Fuck," I muttered as I punched my pillow in frustration. All I wanted was a little sleep. Was that too much to ask for? Just a little sleep so that maybe I could get a little clarity on the fucked up situation I was in.

I rolled over once again and closed my eyes but all I saw was Mark sucking face with Michelle yet again. Fuck it. I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I knew Mark had to be at a bar trying to drink this away and all I could do was hope that he wouldn't come here until he sobered back up. This situation was bad enough as it was and didn't need to be made worse by him showing up here drunk.

My hair was still damp from my earlier shower and it had caused my pillow to get wet so I just grabbed it and tossed it aside so it could dry on the floor. I had stood in the shower for a good hour and a half, freezing half to death once all the hot water went away and was replaced with the ice cold freeze your balls off water. I had stayed in there for forever in an attempt to figure out what the hell to do now but I hadn't gotten any answers from the water. No, the fucking answers still insisted on eluding me and I hated them. I fucking hated them.

I got up to my feet and wandered back into the bathroom so I could glare at my reflection in the mirror hatefully. Either choice I made wasn't going to really make me happy. If I stayed with Mark and just pushed this latest incident under the rug, I would not only be not solving the problem and giving Mark another excuse as to why he thought he could do these things without any problem, but I would be disappointing Cooper once again. And that bothered me more than he would ever know. I knew in my heart that the majority of his anti-Mark stuff was him not wanting to see me get hurt once again. He's told me over and over again that Mark wasn't going to change and it wasn't like he had ever really been proven wrong. Every time I thought Mark was going to change I had been wrong and had gotten burned for it.

But could I leave Mark? Could I end the cycle for good? I didn't know. I knew I couldn't stand doing this anymore but I didn't know if I was strong enough to just let him go. Not when that meant I was just going to be alone. Sure I would have Cooper and Nattie's support but they just wouldn't be the same. They didn't truly get why I had clung to Mark all these years in the first place and they wouldn't ever really get it. Which was good of course. That meant their self worth hadn't been destroyed at birth and any they displayed now was fake. But then again, that meant I was alone, which was something I just couldn't handle.

_You know this is all your fault,_ Caroline said carelessly, that damn voice of hers popping up now just to torture me now. _You wanted that idiot Mark and that retarded sister of yours at the same time and you wouldn't accept the fact that that wasn't going to work out. You kept pushing and pushing and now you're reaping what you sow. _

I hung my head, knowing that she was right and just fucking hating it. This was my own fucking fault. The root of the majority of mine and Mark's problems came from Annabelle. He had never liked sharing me with her and I ignored him in favor of a happy ending that had blown up in my face. And I was wrong…but it was hard to care because even Mark didn't truly understand. He said he did but he didn't. Annabelle was the only thing that kept me sane as a child. Without her, even if I still would have had Mark, I would have been lost. Annabelle was the nurturer that Caroline wasn't and gave me someone to protect and keep myself from tumbling into the path of becoming my parents. Yes Mark helped me too but…Belle was Belle. That was about all there was to it.

And anyways, she had been dead for almost twenty years. I had lost her way before her time and once I recovered from my nervous breakdown after her death, he had me all to himself, which had been what he had wanted in the first place. At least I thought that was what I had thought he wanted. But he just kept pushing me away over and over again, only wanting me when it was convenient for him. And that was the part that drove me nuts. Even when Belle was alive I had gone out of my way to try to not make him feel like that. I had loved them both and had just been greedy with their love for me because I had needed it so desperately. I didn't really understand boundaries or get how what I had done hurt them. And to a certain extent, I knew I deserved a lot of the shit Mark had put me through. But when was enough enough? I watched my own sister die right before my eyes and had to live with the fact that my boys had to go through not only losing their mother, but they had watched her die too. And for nineteen years I had endured a cycle that nobody else would have ever put up with.

Did that show how much I loved Mark or how big of an idiot I was? Usually I liked to think it was the first answer but its become more and more clear that it was the latter. And I didn't want to be the idiot. I just fucking wanted…well fuck, I didn't even know anymore. My head was telling me to get out, my heart was torn between going and staying…fuck, I didn't know.

I just didn't know.


	6. The End

Cooper

Morning came and went without any of us being aware of it. I didn't even bother to roll out of bed until around two in the afternoon, and that was only because my stomach was growling too much to for me to ignore anymore. Once I was up and around, I ordered in three large pizzas so everyone could eat and nobody would be responsible for the cooking. While I was waiting for the pizza to arrive, I woke up Connor and Nattie so they could be awake for the food and then I tried to get Dad up. That quickly proved to be easier said than done though.

"Dad come on," I pleaded as I continued to shake him. I had already been trying for several minutes and all I had gotten for my efforts were a couple of irritated grunts. "Please wake up." I sighed when he just grunted again. "Dad you gotta get up. You need to eat something."

"I don't wanna," he grumbled.

"Yeah well there are times I don't want to be this ridiculously good looking," I replied, yanking the covers right off of him. "But we all have our crosses to bear." I rolled my eyes when he still refused to get up. "Dad come on! I'm not taking no for an answer." I grabbed his arm and began pulling on it impatiently. "You either get up or I'm getting Connor in here to help drag you out of bed."

Dad groaned but finally (albeit very reluctantly) got out of bed. "I'm not hungry," he grumbled as he followed me downstairs.

"Well you're going to eat anyway," I informed him. "So just get over it." I was being tough yeah but I had to be. I wasn't just going to let him wallow in all of this shit. Yeah I knew that I couldn't stop the wallowing completely but I could at least do something about some of it. "I ordered pizza for us. Three big old Meat Lovers ones. And some of those chocolate dunker thingies."

Dad's lips twitched a bit. "I've trained you well."

"That you did," I agreed. "Having me order it fifty thousand times really really helps." I saw that he was trying to smile but it wasn't really getting across his face. "After lunch maybe we could go do something," I suggested. "You know, like go see a movie or go to the zoo or go…just somewhere." I didn't know where the fuck to suggest. I was just desperate to pull out any kind of card that would maybe help pull him out of the funk he was slipping into. This was how this shit usually went. Dad and Mark would fight, they wouldn't see each other from anywhere to a couple days to a week or two and Dad would be depressed the entire time. Then they would inevitably get back together and the whole fucking process would start all over again. And I fucking hated it. I fucking hated it with every ounce of my being and I hated the fact that there seemed to be nothing that I could do to stop it.

"We could," he said, clearly just going along with the suggestions because he wanted to appease me. "It would be…nice."

I sighed and shook his head at his insincerity. "Dad?" I grabbed his wrist to stop him from walking away from me.

He frowned and glanced down at my hand before looking back up. "What?"

"How do you do it?"

He continued to frown. "How do I do what?"

"Put up with it," I clarified. "All the cheating, all the lying-how do you put up with it?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he quickly said. He tried to just walk away and leave it at that but I absolutely refused to let go of him. "Cooper-"

"No," I said stubbornly. I wasn't going to be ignored without a fight. Not this time. "I want -no, I NEED to know. I need to fucking know what the hell makes you keep letting him put you through this. Because I don't get it. I really don't get it. I've been trying to wrap my mind around it for years now and never once have I ever understood it." I tightened my grip when it felt like he was trying to get away from me. "Tell me," I demanded. "Damn it Dad, tell me so I can _help_ you."

"Cooper come on," he pleaded, his eyes now shifting every which way so they wouldn't have to focus on me. "I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Well when's a good time to talk about it?" I pushed, knowing I really should shut up but just completely not able to. "When Dad? After you decide to forgive him? Because God knows you wont' fucking listen to me then. You'll tell me that this time he's changing for real and that it'll all be different. This whole bullshit cycle will be over." I shook my head and gave him a desperate look. "Daddy please, you can't put yourself through this anymore. This is so fucking stupid!"

"You don't think I don't know that?" he asked, a flash of anger coming across his eyes. "You don't think I haven't realized that?"

"I don't know," I replied. "It don't ever seem like you have. You never stand up and say enough is enough."

"Because it's not that simple."

"Why isn't it that simple?" It was all very cut and dry to me. The fact that it was not to him drove me absolutely insane. "Because you love him? Dad, there are tons of people who put their foot down with their spouses after they cheat just once. Why can't you fucking do it with him? He uses your love for him as a way to sucker you back in every time this happens."

Dad sighed and tried to pry me off of him. "Cooper…" He groaned when I still refused to let him go. "Come on, I need to sort shit out in my own head right now, okay? I don't really want to discuss all of this." He finally was able to pry my hand off of him and he took a step back so I wouldn't grab him again. "I know you're concerned-"

"Concerned?" I shook my head. "No Dad, I'm far past being concerned. I'm fucking sick of watching you throw your self respect away and willingly make yourself the fool over and over again. It's not healthy Dad! It's not healthy and you fucking deserve better than that." I grabbed his face and made him look at me when he tried to look away. "Is that so fucking wrong? Am I fucking wrong for wanting you to have something better? Because if I'm wrong, fucking tell me. Just fucking tell me already."

He didn't say anything, which was what I had figured would be his response. What could he really say? That he liked being made to feel that he didn't matter? That he liked his chains being jerked by a guy that didn't deserve him? I wouldn't ever say this to his face but deep down, I did fear that this would all never stop because he craved the emotional hell it led to for him. As many times as it had happened and as many ugly fights as it led to, love itself either really had nothing to do with it or at the very least wasn't the only factor in this equation. How could it be?

"I just…I want you to do what's best for you," I said, trying to back off the subject while also getting the last word in. "Fuck Daddy, you gotta fucking think of your own happiness here. Are you happy having to go through this all over again? Are you happy with knowing that if you forgive this indiscretion you'll be going through the same bullshit once again down the road?" No answer. He was looking down at the floor, lost in thought. "Come on," I said, really dropping it this time. "Let's go see if the food is here yet. You need to eat something."

…

Mark

Two days went by and I made no move to see James or even call him. It was something that definitely surprised Phil and I knew he was constantly asking Glenn about it since I wouldn't give him any answers. He had tried and tried and tried again but had given up when he realized I wasn't about to say shit to him. I had reasons for doing what I was doing but they didn't concern him in the very least.

On day three I downed two aspirin and rested my head back against a couple of couch pillows, hoping that maybe if I took a long enough nap I could sleep off my hangover. I had been drinking pretty much non-stop for a good day and a half and I was still drunk the second half a yesterday, which had annoyed Glenn to no end. I was an alcoholic, I shouldn't have even touched the stuff. But I had and I wasn't sorry for it. It wasn't like I was looking to go back to the constant hard drinking that I used to be famous more. No, I wasn't going with that. That wasn't going to help with anything. It was just something for me to do to pass the time. That was all.

I managed to doze off for about an hour and then was unceremoniously woken up by Glenn smacking me on the chest. "Ow!" I glared at him once my eyes were open. "What the hell was that for?"

"You're an idiot," he replied. He had been saying that to me a lot lately. It was getting very very annoying but there seemed to be nothing I could do to make him knock it off.

"Oh fuck you," I grumbled. It wasn't my best response ever but it was all I had right now. "Why the hell did you wake me up?"

"Because you don't get to be a lazy drunk anymore," he informed me. "Do you have any idea how difficult you've been the past couple of days? You are so SO lucky I haven't already shoved my foot up your ass-"

"Oh yes, threaten the hungover man after you wake him up," I said sarcastically. "That's a smart thing to do."

I got a nice angry glare in response to that. "You don't scare me Mark."

"Well you don't scare me either so join the club." I sat up so I could adjust my pillows and then laid back down. "And unless you have something important to say, just leave me alone."

"Aw, is Marky sleepy?" Glenn's voice was just dripping with sarcasm and I really wanted to punch him in the face for being this annoying. "Maybe I should tell you a bed time story to help you go to sleep."

"Maybe you should go fuck off," I growled. I was NOT in the mood to deal with this and I really was going to punch him if he did not stop getting on my nerves.

Unfortunately, he didn't seem to get the hint. He just kept right on going, asking for it like the fucking little shit that he was. "Once upon a time there was a psycho killer named James." Oh Lord. I really was going to have to kill him. "And he had a boyfriend named Mark that always swore his love but then did everything in his power to make it seem like his declarations of love were all lies-"

My fist shot out and I popped him right in the mouth for that. "Would you fucking shut up?" I growled. "Seriously, just fucking stop! What is the point of telling me that shit?"

He rolled his eyes and rubbed his mouth gingerly. "You don't know the point? You really don't know the point?" He shook his head. "The point…the point is simple Mark. You say you love James but yet you always cheat and then you lie about it until you get caught. And THEN you lie about the cheating stopping and do I need to keep explaining?"

I clenched my jaw tightly. "You're calling me a liar."

"Finally! God, I thought I was going to have to-"

"How can you fucking call me a liar?"

"How-how could I not is a better question? Look, I don't care why you've done all the shit that you've done. I really don't. I don't like Lawson so his pain really does give me pleasure. But if you actually love him, there is a point where you have to realize that you have to stop and just fucking be with him and only him already. You keep going down this road and he's either going to leave you or he'll kill you."

I snorted loudly at that. That was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard. James wouldn't ever kill me. Maybe he would kill someone else but not me. Never me.

Glenn shook his head. "You don't believe me."

"Hell no," I stated. "He wouldn't ever do that."

He smirked. "So you say. You forget that he's a psychopath and there's only so much even he can take."

"Oh shut up Glenn. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Right. Whatever you say." The sarcasm was back again and he shook his head in disgust before getting up and walking away. I stayed right where I was, mostly blowing off everything Glenn had just said. Mostly though, was the key term. I couldn't shove everything out of my head and I found myself dwelling on the little seeds of worry Glenn had managed to plant into my mind. James WAS psychotic and it was never good to test a psycho the way I continually did. But actually kill me…no, James wouldn't ever do that. We would fight like we always did and he might make a couple empty threats but it wouldn't ever end in that kind of bloody way. I was giving him time to cool off so once we did see each other again we could get back on track like we always did. Yeah there was a lot of shit that needed said and there would be at least one more fight before it was all said and done but we would somehow get back on track. There was just no other way that this could possibly end. I loved him, he loved me and that would be enough.

It would always fucking be enough.

…

James

I sat in my comfortable spinning chair inside of my office, staring at my computer even though it wasn't even on. I had locked myself in here so I could brood without being interrupted. Nattie, Cooper and Connor had been doing their absolute best to keep me occupied and I had done my best to go along with it. I hadn't wanted to think about this entire situation and just wanted to forget it all. It was too hard. No matter what I did, Mark refused to leave my mind. And it was driving me mad. It really really was. I couldn't decide what the fuck to do. One moment I told myself I would do one thing and then the next I wanted to do something else. I was pulling myself in two very different directions and it felt like I was splitting myself in two. It was a horrible feeling but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't seem to stop myself.

I shook my head and began leafing through the giant collection of pictures I kept in one of the drawers in my desk. I was mainly looking at the ones of Mark and myself and they just helped fueled the confused fire that was raging inside of me. Part of me wanted to forgive him; that part of me was his enabler. I enabled him to keep doing this shit over and over again because…well I wasn't one hundred percent sure why. I sure as hell didn't like it when he did it. I had never liked it and I REALLY did not like it this time. I had always gotten mad about this bullshit before but I had always managed to cool down after a couple of days of not seeing him. This time though, I was not only staying mad, but I was getting _madder_ with every moment that passed. How the fuck could he keep doing this to me? That was the fucking question that kept repeating itself in my brain over and over again. And I wasn't sure if I even wanted the answer to that. I felt like if I got that answer my brain might just really explode and I did not want that. I liked my brain to not be in little itty bitty bits all over the place.

With one swipe of my hand I put the pictures back into the drawer they went in and slammed it shut. I couldn't fucking do this anymore. I had to get out for awhile. I didn't exactly know where I wanted to go but I knew that a bunch of people were going to end up dying in the process. It was the only thing that would maybe bring me back some kind of peace of mind. I got up out of my chair and went to the door, getting it open to find Mark standing on the other side of it. "Wha-"

"Ssshh!" He pushed me back into the room and quickly slipped in so he could shut the door behind him. "Cooper don't know I'm here and I would like to keep it that way."

I shook my head and took another step back. He reeked of stale alcohol and it was not a scent I missed on him. "Been on a bender again?" I didn't even try to hide the anger in my voice. I was so beyond not giving a fuck it was not even funny.

He sighed and locked the door so if Cooper did end up overhearing us, he would have at least a little bit more trouble getting in here. "I don't want to fight about that," he informed me. "There's other shit we need to talk about."

"Yeah, no kidding," I muttered. I reached into my pockets and pulled out a cigarette and my lighter. I put the cigarette in my mouth and attempted to flick on the lighter, but my fingers weren't working that well and I kept fucking it up.

Mark got impatient with watching me struggle and he snatched the lighter out of my hand. "Here, I'll do it." He got the lighter lit with one try and held it up to my cigarette. "There you go."

I grunted a thank you and snatched my lighter back as I took a long drag of my cancer stick. Cooper called me a hypocrite for smoking yet then yelling at him for when he did it but there were times it was just too hard for me to give a shit. "Why?" I asked as I exhaled the smoke, the nicotine really failing to soothe me this time.

"Why?"

"Yeah. Why?" I took another drag and exhaled it slowly, already pacing around the room. Normally I liked it just fine but now it suddenly felt way too small and cramped. "Why her? Why did you do it? Why…do I have to keep going?"

He shook his head. "No. You really don't." He ran his hand through his thinning hair and sighed. "Look, I don't like her, alright? I just…it was just something I did. It happened but it meant nothing."

"Maybe not to you," I said, sucking on the cigarette so much that I was going to have light a whole new one real soon already. "But I think you're neglecting the fact that it means something to me. It's always fucking meant something to me." I could see him biting his lip and I knew he was biting back a comment that would just lead to an even bigger fight. "And I want to know _why_. I want to fucking know why and I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses. I want a real fucking reason this time."

Mark stared at me the longest time, not saying a single word. I put out the tiny bit that I had left of my cigarette and got out a new one. I had a feeling I was going to smoke a whole pack's worth by the time this was all said and done. "Come on, can't you fucking give me a reason? Or do you think by not saying anything that you'll somehow get out of having to answer?"

His jaw tightened. "You wanna know why? You really want to know why?"

"I asked didn't I?" I hated it when people answered my questions with questions, especially when I was angry. "I wouldn't have asked-"

"Annabelle."

That stopped me in mid-sentence. "What?"

"Annabelle," he repeated. "It all fucking comes back to her." He shook his head when I tried to say something to that. "Do you have any idea how much it drove me nuts?"

"I think you made it clear more than a few times," I pointed out.

"Yeah but that hasn't meant you've ever gotten it," he pointed out just as fast. "I don't think you've ever gotten it. I _always_ had to share you with her. Ever since we were kids…yeah, when I was a kid, I was more of a selfish brat with you but then…then you two didn't keep things the way they should be between brothers and sisters. No, you two fucking got all romantic and I was just supposed to fucking accept it. I was your boyfriend and I just fucking had to put up with you not only seeing another girl, but it was your SISTER! Your SISTER!"

"You know-"

"I know what? Why it started? Yeah you know what? I get why it all started, but you didn't think there was ANYONE else that could have taken her virginity so Joseph couldn't? Or you didn't stop to think that maybe it shouldn't have gone beyond that first time?"

I didn't say anything to that. What could be said? I couldn't necessarily justify my past actions and I wasn't really looking to do so. I did what I did with Belle and I wasn't sorry for it. Maybe I should have been but I couldn't and wouldn't force myself to be.

"You would have picked her over me," Mark went on, taking advantage of my silence. "Don't try to say you wouldn't have because I won't believe you. You would have picked her over me so I didn't say shit-"

"Didn't say shit? Bullshit! You said plenty! The only thing you didn't do was give me an ultimatum."

"that shouldn't have had to been an option! You're MY boyfriend! And you-"

"I fucked you over," I finished for him. "I fucked you and Annabelle over with that whole wanting all the cake or whatever that saying is." I hadn't thought of it that way at the time but that was more because I hadn't wanted to think of it that way. I was more concerned with my own happiness back in the day-it wasn't like I had a fucking abundance of it.

"So I wanted to get back at you," Mark admitted. "I-"

"Leaving for a whole bunch of days out of the year wasn't enough?"

"Oh don't give me that wrestling bullshit again James. You KNOW that's the only career I ever aspired to but you've never done anything but shit on it!"

"Because it meant you were leaving me! Back in the old days, I was lucky to see you a few days out of the year, and it was even less after you married Jodi!"

"So I was supposed to give up my dream because you're clingy like a fucking woman?" Now Mark was just getting nasty. "Was I supposed to do that Lawson? Huh? Fucking tell me-"

"Get out of my face," I growled, pushing him back by his chest when he got too close. I threw down my cigarette and put it out with my foot. "And don't fucking take that attitude with me when I've got a bone to fucking pick with you too."

He threw his arms out and shook his head. "Throw it at me," he dared. "Go ahead, I'm all ears."

I didn't need to be told twice. "I hurt you so you married Jodi to get back at me. I get it. I really do. But when Annabelle died and you were doing your best to keep me from joining her in the grave, what did you promise me? What did you promise me over and over again?"

"James-"

"Tell me what you said!"

"…That I would leave Jodi and settle down with you and the boys."

"Did you do that?"

"No…but-"

"No buts. You don't get to justify that one." I was wishing I hadn't put out my cigarette because now I needed another one. "I know I hurt you with the Annabelle thing. I know that. And I deserved some payback but there's a big fucking difference between what I did and what you've done."

"And what's that?"

"I never lied the way you have. I was wrong for putting you and Annabelle what I did. I was selfish…and it all just eventually went to hell. I lost her and you resent me for her. But I never EVER looked into your eyes and blatantly lied to you. And that's what you've done. For nearly twenty years you've done it so many times; I don't even want to try to count because it's just going to piss me off more. You looked me in the eyes and made all kinds of promises that you had NO intention of keeping. You promised to divorce Jodi but you didn't. You put it off for over seven years and didn't do it until I kicked your ass out after Cooper ran off. And then, not even that much later than that, you married Sara and the false promises started again. And don't even get me started on Michelle or all the times you've denied sleeping with other random girls when I know you have. It's all lies. It's always been fucking lies."

A long silence followed all of that. I had nothing else to really say at the moment and he was struggling to find the words to say next.

"Dad?" Cooper called out from the other room. "Dad where are you?"

Mark glanced towards the door, knowing the shit would hit the fan if Cooper found him in here. "Look, this is stupid. Let's just put this behind us. I fucked up, you fucked up-let's just fucking start over. You and me, we'll start fresh."

"Dad?" Cooper yelled again. His voice was closer now. "Where are you?"

"Lawson?" Mark prompted impatiently. "What do you say?"

I bit down on my lower lip and began to think. There was a part of me that was trying to tell the rest of myself that this was for real this time. This was finally it. All the cheating and lying was stopping and we were finally going to live happily ever after and all that shit. But even as that part was trying to say that, I found myself unable to truly believe it. Maybe he did mean it this time, maybe he didn't; the problem was, I didn't know and I couldn't take being wrong again.

I knew what I had to do.

"Lawson? Earth to Lawson. What-"

"No."

He looked completely taken aback by that answer. "What?"

"I said no," I repeated. "I'm done. We're done. I can't do it anymore."

A very long silence followed that declaration. Mark was shaking his head, clearly not believing what I had just said. "You gotta be kidding me," he said slowly. "I'm fucking being honest this time-"

"I can't fucking know that Mark! After how many times you've made promises and just broke them as soon as you got the chance, I can't just fucking take your word for it."

"Then let me prove it. Let me-"

"Prove it? Mark…no. Even if you stayed faithful to me from now until we died…I'll never trust you. And I can't lie to myself anymore and pretend that I do. So we're done." I could hardly believe I was saying this. It almost felt like a dream. Was this finally it? Was I actually putting my foot down?

"You don't mean it. You need me-"

"That's been the problem. My "clinginess" as you put is what made me forgive you so many times and look like the biggest fool on the planet. And I can't do it anymore. I WON'T do it anymore." I couldn't stomach doing it again. The feeling of finality was spreading all across my entire being. This really was it. This wasn't a dream. This was actually happening.

He stared at me like I was absolutely insane. "So you're just throwing away-"

"No! Don't tell me I'm throwing away shit! If you had left it at Jodi and Sara…but no. I've had it. I can't fucking be with you if you're still going to run around behind my back, not even trying to forgive me for Belle. I forgiven everything you've done…but this is too much. I won't do this anymore. You need to go. Right now."

He didn't move an inch. "No. It's not ending like this."

"This is the best way it can end," I replied. "Because if I forgive you this time and you fucking do that shit again…"

"You wouldn't do shit."

"Fuck you. I've reached my limit and I know EXACTLY-"

He didn't want to hear it. He came at me, trying to grab me and shake some sense into me. We struggled for a very long few seconds before I shoved him back so violently that he hit the wall. He tried to come at me again but my knife was out of my pocket and flying at his head before I could even think and he ducked out of the way just in time, so the blade of the knife buried itself into the wall instead.

"Go!" I shouted, on the defense in case he came at me again. "Just GO and leave me ALONE!"

"DAD!" Cooper kicked open the door and came in, his eyes widening when he saw Mark there and the knife in the wall. "Mother FUCKER-"

Mark shook his head and muttered something under his breath before storming out, making sure to shove Cooper out of the way as he went. Cooper lunged at him but I grabbed him and held him back, knowing that it was just a temper tantrum antic that he wanted to be exploited so he could be prevented from leaving.

"Let me go!" Cooper shouted angrily. He was doing his absolute best to wiggle out of my grip. "Dad-"

"Don't," I said, relaxing when I heard the front door open and slam shut. "It's over."

"That mother fucker-"

"Cooper! It's over. He's gone."

"I-" The finality of my tone finally caught his attention. "Dad?" His voice spiked with hope. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm done…I told him I was done."

Cooper just stared at me in shock for the longest time. When he finally was able to reached, his arms went around me and he was squeezing me for dear life. As he was hugging me, I stared at the knife, which was still in the wall. I had carried it around for so long, proud of it because it had been given to me by "my Marky". But now I stared at it and I felt…nothing. Just empty. It was all over because I was empty and I had nothing left that allowed me to take this anymore. No forgiveness, no love…I had been all used up and I couldn't take it anymore. I was done. I was just fucking done.

"We should get rid of it," Cooper said, his eyes going to the knife as well. "Get rid of it and get you a new one."

I nodded along. "Yeah. New knife, fresh start…" My voice sounded flat and empty now and I hated it. All of this had just fucking drained me and I hated it. And I knew Mark wouldn't accept it just being over. He would be back…over and over and over again…I was "his" he wouldn't just let me go. But I wasn't going to let him take me. No. When I said I was done, I was done.

I wasn't going to be anyone's fool ever again.


End file.
